Kymberlee della Luce | Unbridled Expression

i've moved | new blog home

2007-01-23T16:25:00.000-08:00

The corporate machine that is blogger has lost me. As part of my effort to be a free agent on all levels and to simplify and consolidate, I have switched to wordpress (free and oh-so-wonderful) and I'm hosting my blog on my own website.

The new address is http://kymberleedellaluce.com/blog

All the archives are there as well.

See you there! *HUGS*

things aren't always what they seem

2007-01-22T15:37:00.000-08:00

this speaks for itself

testing

2007-01-20T17:28:00.001-08:00

oh yeah moving over to wordpress baby

making copies...

i have a dream | visualize a new reality

2007-01-18T20:05:00.000-08:00

Today, I visited my daughter's school to attend the Martin Luther King, Jr. Assembly. Several wonderful groups from the school performed. We heard his Nobel Prize acceptance speech, pieces of "I have a dream" as well as hearing some wonderful music. While one group performed to the song "I have a dream" by will.i.am, I was jammin' with Gigi in my lap. This caught the attention of the boy next to me. I could feel his spirit warming up to me.

At the break, he said something to me and we made our introductions. The next act included a group reciting the Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech made by Dr. King. At the point that they said, "Negros", he leaned forward and said something to the girl in front of him. They were both black. Once the speech was over, he said somewhat derisively, "Four kids up there are black". I asked him how many people in his class are black. He counted in his head and said, "Five." I asked how many in his neighborhood. His answer, "All of them.".

I asked if he was offended by what they said on stage. He said, "Yeah". I asked if he knew who wrote the words. "No," was his reply. When I told him it was Dr. King, he said, "Nuh uh. It was not. He would never say that. We read about him." I told him it was a different speech than "I have a dream" and told him that "Negro" was a common word back then. He thought they had said Nigger. I assured him they had not. I realized that the assistant principal was asking everyone to be quiet and said we should probably stop talking. He said, "Her? Forget about her. She doesn't care about us." I said, "I know for a fact she cares because I've talked to her." He seemed to be willing to accept that but still seemed a little unsure. (Gigi was telling us to be quiet at this point so we stopped.)

I can see why Sean thought she didn't care. She is very white and very tense. She cares deeply about the students but seems to care more in those moments about crowd control. I found myself wondering if she's ever been to a movie theater in the inner city. In my view, audiences talking, moving and participating is normal everywhere except white middle adult America. I can never help my exuberance when I'm feeling joyful or filled with emotion. To expect anyone, especially young children to sit still and be QUIET like you would see at the ballet is ridiculous. It's also important to remember that cultural differences need to be taken into consideration.

The final act was a band of high school kids playing their original music. One boy had a One.org shirt on. Sean pointed him out and said, "See this bump here in my knuckle? He gave it me. I was messing around with the drums and he hit my hand with a drumstick to get me to stop."

There we were listening to the words of Dr. King and celebrating the message of peace and unity and here was a little black boy feeling very isolated and disconnected from the whole thing who had been treated violently by someone on stage when words would have sufficed. He was looking for someone or something he could connect with and wasn't finding it.

Today I saw a police officer run a red light. This is the kind of thing that would one day get Sean and his friends in the Central District pulled over for and yet there our representative of "The Law" was breaking it.

We all really need to start walking our talk. Sean and other children will never trust the people with authority and power if it is abused. Why should they? Why should any of us? I often catch myself doing or saying something hypocritical with my kids. I am working very hard right now to stop that. I can't expect my daughter to honor her commitments if I don't or for them to use "inside voices" if I'm being loud.

I am not trying to cast a "negative" view on life. I am simply noticing the shadow and asking what I can do about it. I don't believe there is an "us" and "them". I believe we are all part of a pulsating body of energy that is expanding. I want to expand in the direction of the Light and I am trying to discover how to do this when I come face-to-face with my own shadow so often. I want to let it inform me, not overcome me.

I am currently reading Shakti Gawain's book "Living in the Light". She has this to say about creating the life we desire, "Everything is a creative process. Visualizations and affirmations are only tools to help in the process. Our own healing is the most important process taking place on Earth at the moment, because it influences the collective all or oneness. The greatest harm we inflict on Earth is our separation from nature. When we change, we also change the world around us. The Earth is undergoing a great transformation - and it happens very fast. Old values and patterns can no longer be followed. We must heal ourselves and find out own path. We must make use of our will, become valiant 'knights' on a crusade for positive thinking, positive acting. However, on this crusade we cannot become victorious unless we also recognize our shadow side; our fears, our denials, our negative thought-patterns. This side of ourselves must also be brought into the light in order to manifest wholeness."

So today, I have a dream. I have a dream that we will learn to embrace our wholeness, including our shadow.

I have a dream that I will walk my talk every day and remember to forgive myself when I don't.

I have a dream that we will all remember that we are One and truly treat each other the way we want to be treated.

I have a dream that we will use our feminine receptive nature to inform us and our masculine directive nature to take positive action in the world.

I know it starts here and now, with me.

adfree | no logo | just love

2007-01-11T22:39:00.000-08:00

adfree button
Originally uploaded by keri.

Something very new is being born in me. I am tired of hype. Tired of excess, of lying, hypocrisy, and greed. I see this powerful statement by Keri Smith as very positive. You will be hearing much more from me in the next month. In the meantime, read this and check out this and consider where and how you are pandering to corporate greed.

Are you a former guerrilla artist who used to paint question marks on signs and now works for a bloated corporation who is making a profit by suckering in the public? What changed? Are you willing to alter a little something now to make room for grace?

Do you profess your desire to make the planet "come alive" with your healing offerings but shun the blood, sweat and tears of doing real intimate work with the people in your life? (I've done that before.)

Are you brand conscience? I bought into the hype about branding and will be changing that in my offerings. I am seeing now that it's just a form a manipulation. I don't want to be on either side of that equation, thanks.

I am tired of seeing ads for shoes in Oprah's magazine that cost $1,500. Are they made by brown people making $2 a day? Is half the shit used to sell her magazine made in factories by people who aren't allowed to smile? She does a lot of good in the world but I am not convinced it's helpful to all. Let's think about it. Further, let's do something about it.

Let's not "smoke for the cure" or "buy an iPod for Aids". Let's not buy a $500 handbag because Oprah has one so that she can go build a school somewhere. Let's love each other. Let's take back our lives, look into each other's eyes and heal the world, not one dollar at a time but one soul at a time.

connection not collection

2007-01-10T22:39:00.000-08:00

Night before last my furnace stopped working. The repair person couldn't come out until today so I was without heat over 24 hours. It is in the low thirties here in Seattle and I live in an old house with single paned windows so it's been cold and drafty, to say the least. As I sat here yesterday working, my fingers like icicles on the keyboard, I had a realization about how cold it must be outside during the winter.

I've volunteered at homeless shelters and I've seen homeless people on the street but it just never truly occurred to me until yesterday how very cold they must be. I don't have a lot of resources currently but I decided to do what I could and just take some action. I gathered up some extra scarves and a hat and bought some fleece blankets that were on sale at a local department store and drove into the city last night with my girls and their dad. We drove until we found some people who looked like they needed some warmth and gave our offerings. Two women squealed with girlish delight when I gave them some scarves that had been sitting at the bottom of my drawer. The hand-knitted wool had I bought at Ten Thousand Villages few years ago was gratefully taken by a lovely gentleman with kind eyes and the brand-new fleece blankets still rolled up were treated as treasures by each recipient. It brought me immense pleasure to see their happiness.

Sometimes big problems seem so insurmountable and it seems like there is just nothing we can really do to help. I decided last night to just do whatever I could because it matters. WE matter. We all deserve to have a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs. We all deserve warmth and love.

On New Year's Eve, I asked a homeless man who had engaged me in conversation if he wanted a hug. He said yes and we embraced lovingly. He said, "May the Great Spirit give you a big hugga bugga whenever you need it the most." Those are the moments when I see God.

Tonight, a blanket of snow covers Seattle. My furnace is back on and I sit here in jammy bottoms and a tank top. I feel incredibly blessed and grateful to be where I'm at. I hope those dear souls I met last are staying warm enough tonight. I am thinking of them and sending them my love.

Whether it's a cup of coffee, some soup, a blanket or a hug, I'm going to give what I can when I can because Love is all that truly matters. Material possessions and "achievements" pale in comparison to the moments of soul to soul contact we make in moments where we are just sharing our love with each other. Like John said tonight, "Connection matters more than collection." Indeed.

Here's to finding more and more ways to connect RIGHT NOW with each other on this beautiful planet that we call home.

"In this life we cannot do great things.
We can only do small things with great love."
-Mother Theresa

Ring Out Wild Bells

2007-01-04T15:05:00.000-08:00

Ring Out Wild Bells

Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,
The flying cloud, the frosty light;
The year is dying in the night;
Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.

Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.

Ring out the grief that saps the mind,
For those that here we see no more,
Ring out the feud of rich and poor,
Ring in redress to all mankind.

Ring out a slowly dying cause,
And ancient forms of party strife;
Ring in the nobler modes of life,
With sweeter manners, purer laws.

Ring out the want, the care the sin,
The faithless coldness of the times;
Ring out, ring out my mournful rhymes,
But ring the fuller minstrel in.

Ring out false pride in place and blood,
The civic slander and the spite;
Ring in the love of truth and right,
Ring in the common love of good.

Ring out old shapes of foul disease,
Ring out the narrowing lust of gold;
Ring out the thousand wars of old,
Ring in the thousand years of peace.

Ring in the valiant man and free,
The larger heart, the kindlier hand;
Ring out the darknss of the land,
Ring in the Christ that is to be.

-- Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Happy New Year to all who read this. May this year ring in more blessings than you can possibly imagine. Much love...~Kymberlee

Sunshine in the Dark

2007-01-04T10:21:00.000-08:00

My friend, Trey, sent me this link about buildings in Russia being painted as a way to help people cope with the lack of winter sun and the depression that can come with that.

I find this very inspiring and life-affirming. We are such beautiful, creative beings, us humans. It makes me want to find creative solutions like this to help serve the greater good and bring sunshine into the darkness.

photo by sturman

The Siren Call of the Sacred Feminine

2007-01-04T09:57:00.000-08:00

She calls to me. She who is weary of living far beneath, her voice stolen by fear, her power subjugated by the will of others. I took this picture of my daughter and was captivated by the presence in her eyes. The sense of self here is a reflection of the Divine Feminine that lives inside of me. That wants to be heard.

Read about The Little Mermaid archetype and let it inform you. Whether male or female, consider where the voice and face and presence of the Mother fits into your life, your experience.

I desire this union, this integration of opposites. I think on some level we all do. What I know for sure is that I am not going to find it outside of myself. The journey begins here, in the now.

I hear the Siren's call and I will no longer ignore it for it pierces my heart with it's poignant urgency.

I'm listening.

Open

2006-12-24T07:22:00.000-08:00

photo by John McCormick

I had my kids for the last week and had so many things planned, so much I thought we would do and had visioned all kinds of things that would happen. Snuggles by the fire, holiday gatherings, gingerbread-house making, etc. I imagined holiday cheer just oozing out of our experience.

Then a huge storm hit Seattle and our power was out. Both of my kids were very sick with different viruses and though not planned, my divorce ended up being final this week. Needless to say, things didn't go quite as I had planned. We ended up spending a lot of time with some close friends who we had stay with us because their power was out. This time together was extremely challenging for the girls and I and brought a lot of illumination about things that had been nagging at me for some time. This is a fractal of the rest of my life for the past many years. I thought things would go one way and they didn't. They didn't because the lessons I am supposed to be learning wouldn't have happened without the moments of shadow.

The challenges this past week shed a lot of light on my extreme idealism and how much pain that has created for me and others. I have also gained a lot of clarity about my needs and continue to do the work of talking openly about my feelings and setting healthy boundaries for myself.

My friend, Trina, told me "The best laid plans are open hands.". It's so true. When I stop wishing things were a certain way, it changes the fabric of my being. I accept what is and there is room for grace.

With open hands (and plans) comes an open heart. As soon as I stop trying to control every little thing (and everyONE!) around me, I see with different eyes. I see people who are doing the best they can, including me. I see new ways of handling challenges, I see how I fit in and see that it's okay for me to just flow and breathe and BE. I see ways I can ask for help instead of taking it all on myself.

We didn't make gingerbread houses because they were sold out. We didn't have as many snuggles by the fire as I wanted, and here on the morning of Christmas Eve, I still don't have a single present wrapped. We did go sledding, make beautiful gifts for each other, snuggled in bed, read books, played a lot, spent time with the friends in our lives who are willing to be around germs and learned to love even deeper than we knew we could.

I have learned I have no desire to do the little Suzy Homemaker, Martha Stewart things I used to do. I can make a craft or bake a cookie that could grace the cover of a magazine but I would rather be racing down the hill sledding with my kids, taking a long, hot bath or visiting the people I love the most. I no longer spend my time doing things that aren't ME. What's the point? A recent "Daily Om" I received had this to say:

This is a new holiday season altogether, and we can find joy in the fact that we can make it our own and let it be new.

One key way to reinvigorate your holiday is to let go of feeling obligated to engage in rituals or situations that make you feel unhappy. It is easy to get lost in the trance of tradition and lose track of who you really are and what serves you as you are now. But there is a wonderful payoff if you take the time to touch base with what you really want and give it to yourself. When you take care of yourself, your capacity to give to others expands exponentially, and so does your innate joyfulness.

Try giving yourself the space and time to consider what will be truly healing for you this year.

Try to make this holiday season about who you are now, not what you were in the past. Enjoy.

Amen! I celebrate this new awareness I have and this chance to recraft my life. It's not easy letting the old fall away, cutting off the dead wood to make room for new growth. In fact, it's damned painful. It's also worth it.

I bless those unexpected moments of grace and welcome them. With each new experience, I learn I have nothing to fear as long as I stay the course of Love. With each death comes a rebirth and a point of opportunity. I am seizing the day and making the most out of every moment that unfolds.

Happy holidays, dear reader(s?). I send you loving light and exquisite moments of illumination now and in the New Year. I send you the courage to face your own shadow, speak your truth and own your power.

I think I'll go wrap some presents now.

winter

2006-12-20T07:07:00.000-08:00

"It's not like I pine away for them when I'm not with them, " he said.

My heart would be bleeding
right out of my chest right now
if it didn't feel so frozen
from those apathetic words.

I could be flip and say 'his loss" but it wouldn't be authentic.
When the heart goes numb, it is winter for us all.

So I will sit by the hearth
and tend the fire
during this cold season.

Discover

2006-12-18T10:11:00.000-08:00

mixed media collage on pressed board

Like many things in this world of being a human, I find this much easier to say than to do. I have such a loving and compassionate nature and find forgiveness easy. I truly see all the world as a stage and see us as playing roles, acting them out and learning our lessons. I see the macro view very easily. I can just hold the world so warmly in my heart and look benevolently at our world leaders and the mistakes they make and see how it all fits together.

Sometimes at home or in my personal life this is much harder. While I am very loving, compassionate and forgiving, I can also be harsh, intolerant and impatient. I have a very hard time balancing the needs of others with my own and I behave in ways that are not in alignment with my values when I am having trouble with balance. I have, in my lifetime, often erred on the side of going with someone's else's flow, responding to their needs, making them happy at my own expense. I was highly affirmed for "good behavior", ass kissing, and being everyone's "sunshine". When I awakened to the fact that all of that was killing my own spirit and stopped, it was hard on the people in my life. It still is.

I find myself still sensing the needs of others for attention, for example, and want to just push them away or run away and hide so that I can do my art, meditate, take a walk, tune in, etc. When kindness or compassion for others gets in the way of me being kind to myself, it's not healthy. I am learning to face things, work through them and see how it all fits together rather than running away, escaping into fantasy or letting some minor situation fester into a wound that won't heal. I am healing rapidly as a result. I believe this is my biggest spiritual lesson in this lifetime.

In the Winter 2006 volume of Parabola magazine, Elizabeth Napp writes about Gandhi and "The Way of the Householder". She says, "While he could be quite gentle with his satyagrahis in the ashram, he could be particularly demanding of his own wife and sons." She goes on to say that "he could be quite hard on his immediate family" and "Gandhi's greatest challenge to his wish to approach humanity nonviolently and with love can be found not in his campaigns against the British but in his dealings with his own family." Boy, can I relate to that!

Napp finally asks the question, "Would Gandhi have become a Mahatma without his life as a householder?" I don't know the answer to this question for Gandhi. As for me, I know that my path involves the messy, bloody, sometimes chaotic and often tear-soaked path of a mother, daughter, sister, friend, lover who doesn't always know how to "do it right". I muddle through and try to find the place where I feel peaceful. Not bury-my-head-in-the-sand-become-a-hermit peaceful but the peace of transcendence. The place mentioned here in the Bhagavad-Gita:

To him who sees me in everything, and everything in me, I am never lost, and he is not lost to me. The devotee who worships me abiding in all beings, holding that all is one, lives in me, however he may be living.

I once took an online test that said I was a "visionary leader" like Gandhi, MLK or Oprah. I remember thinking, "Right! Sure I am! I can't even get through the morning with my kids without getting embroiled in a conflict." I guess I have more in common with them than I thought. They were/are human afterall, eh?

So today I embrace my humanity. I embrace the blood and the chaos, the pain and the tears. I allow pleasure and love to flow and transform me. I embrace all of it equally. I am learning to recognize the transcendent BEINGNESS in every action, that which lies beyond my current circumstances and roles.

It is with this awareness that I move past my fate and into my destiny.

It is here that I DISCOVER true freedom.

It's Time

2006-12-15T13:56:00.000-08:00

Violated

I don't know when it happened.

I don't know where, why or in what way.

I only know that it did.

I know that this memory is stuck in my body and is hurting me deeply.

I am ready to remember and re-member.

Just as I felt another big swell of nausea and tears come from this buried whatever-it-is, and came here to post this, I saw this horoscope for today on my google homepage:

Many things that you've been keeping inside of you may finally come out right now. Even if you might appear somewhat confident and in control to the outside world, there may still be a few worries and fears that you've been carrying around.

Yeah. You could say that.

Say a little prayer for me if you're willing. Thank you.

Tuning In

2006-12-10T07:08:00.000-08:00

I know that some people really struggle with the concept of being true to themselves as though it is selfish to BE who you came into this world to be or live as you choose. Once we start doing this and are really loving our lives, we are in flow and more of what we desire comes to us. The Universe is just waiting to bring us what we most desire. The key is tuning into the voice of our Higher Self rather than our ego. I think that is where the confusion lies. In my experience, the thing that really happens when we ignore those inner urgings is that our Spirit is going to win anyway. If you really need to turn away from the world to get clear about your purpose and do some inner excavation and you continue to ignore it, you may end up in the hospital or on an extended stay at home for bedrest so you do not as a "punishment" but a wake up call, an opportunity. I have found it's best to pay attention.

The ecstatic poet, Kabir, has this to say. Keep in mind that he lived 500 years ago so his wording around "God" is a bit different than mine or possibly yours. The message however, is the same:

He who cared for you whilst you were
yet in your mother's womb,
Shall He not care for you now that you
are come forth?

Oh my heart, how could you turn from
the smile of your Lord and wander
so far from Him?

You have left your Beloved and are
thinking of others: and this is
why all your work is in vain.

When we turn away from our Spirit, from that inner voice inside that is urging us to create some space and time for ourselves in which to create or that part of ourselves that wants to go outside and move for a little bit or rest and take a nap to rejuvenate--when we turn away from this, we are turning away from our Spirit. We are truly co-creators of our own reality. Sonia Choquette recommends that we treat our ego as the family pet. We can feed it and care for it but don't let it run the show.

If we let our Spirit be in charge, we can't go wrong. That's why I do Transformation Coaching with people. I know the pain of not listening and the joy of tuning in I want to help people learn how to listen to that voice rather that stay in that stuck place managing life from an inauthentic place. Here are a few tools for opening the channel to Spirit and letting our guides speak to us.

Meditate in whatever form works for you. Writing, sitting, walking, dancing...whatever. Just tune in, pay attention and don't let your "critical parent" voice take over.

Self-nurturing. The more we loves ourselves, the more Love will flow to and through us. The more we love ourselves, the more we will feel worthy of receiving the good that is there waiting.

Chat with your Inner Child. Write questions for it with your dominant hand and let your non-dominant hand answer. You may be VERY surprised with what comes out. The key here is to listen to the answers.

Pay attention to your feelings. If you are not following your truest path, you will probably not feel so good. Our emotions are here to inform us not run our lives. If you are bored with your life, something needs to change. If you are sad, let the sad flow out so it can be replaced with grace. Anger often means that we are really not getting what we need and something needs to change. It also means that passion is right there waiting to be channeled. Let your emotions inform you. You can only do this if you are in touch with them. Journaling is an excellent start for this. Spending 20-30 minutes every day letting yourself free write your feelings, ideas and perceptions will change your life.

This morning, I ran across this great quote from Leo Buscaglia which really underscores all of this.

"The easiest thing in the world to be is you.
The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be.
Don't let them put you in that position."

Amen! The thing to note is that the you we're talking about it You. Isn't it time?

balance [or the life of a creative mommy]

2006-12-06T22:15:00.000-08:00

I recently ran across a blog post, written by a former lover, that was clearly (although not directly) referring to this post of mine about reclaiming our true self and learning to say yes to our creative selves. It made me smile because what he is referring to is exactly what I do every, single day. There is no "loft in soho strewn with canvases" but I did convert my living room into a studio so I can create and move around freely. We have a small room dedicated as our family room which is cozy and just right for our needs. The studio currently has a glorious Yule tree blazing with white lights and stocking hanging at the fireplace. It also has several recently completely works of art and has hosted several clients for healing journeys recently. The tapestry gets woven one thread at a time and each fiber loops around another...

Earlier today, I was photoshopping something because I had an unexpected, tight deadline. I would click a button and do one braid of my daughter's hair then click again and do the other braid. This is the way of a mother who desires to be WITH her children as much as possible and follow her creative dreams as well.

I was smiling today as I was working at my computer and my preschooler danced behind me. Diffused sunlight streaming through the studio windows, gauzy, multi-colored scarves in her hands singing at the top of her lungs, "Today is a beautiful day! The sun is shining!" Of course, minutes later I'm quite certain she was crying about something or the other because, well, that is the way of humans, isn't it?

Yesterday, I went to her co-operative preschool and did music with the children. We sang and danced, drew oil pastel pictures on black paper to "The Four Seasons: Winter" by Vivaldi, explored maracas and rain sticks then made our own "shakey eggs" together. After that, I dashed home and prepared my studio for a phototherapy session with an amazing woman who told me I was "such an angel" and "a wonderful conduit". This session gave her the clarity she was seeking and energized me to keep creating and doing the Work. Later, I picked up my kids and was buzzing with love and enthusiasm. The tapestry gets woven one thread at a time and each fiber loops around another...

Today, I had the pleasure of taking Gigi to see my older daughter perform at her school and last week, I got to see her do her test for Karate. While I was there (and it was taking a long time), I commented to a little girl that I was glad I worked for myself. When she asked me what I do, I said, "I'm an artist and I help grown-ups who have lost their dreams find them again." She said, "Wow! Nice job.". Indeed it is. After a bit of rest time, I picked up my daughter and took the girls to the park and the library. You see, I have time to spend with my children, even though I am a "creative type" because I make time. I used to make even more time but back then I was dead inside and had no identity of my own. I've learned to balance and like those rocks up there, the big one (me), is on the bottom as a foundation. I am full. I am solid and grounded. If I allow myself to dry up, I won't be able to support the other two so I don't.

I'll be honest. It's not easy, this balancing act. Sometimes I just want to give up. Even with the amazing community I have in my life, I get pooped out. Sometimes (like tonight), I have a sink full of dishes that I don't feel like doing but it's worth it. Sometimes the dishes have to wait until my painting is done. Sometimes, the kids have to play so that I can finish something. In her wonderful book, "Woman Who Run with the Wolves", Clarissa Pinkola Estes talks about having fierce boundaries for our creative, wild selves. This IS necessary. Perhaps it's not for men who have a sense of entitlement to their work and are often used to having their wives do most of the child-rearing. I don't know; I don't have a penis. Herstory is different than history, let's not kid ourselves.

I have always included my children on my journey. One of them was suckling at my breast when I read the book I just mentioned. I was pregnant with the other one when I dove into expressive arts therapy certification training and she was with me for the last 3 months of school. I found a way because I am determined and because I matter. I don't "sip absinthe and argue philosophy" on a "rooftop apartment on the la rive gauche" but I do go to parties (where we drink tequila or vodka) and coffee shops with my amazing friends while we do art with our kids (and discuss philosophy).

Romance is what you make it. Life and art and creativity are what you make it. This is the one, baby. This is YOUR life. Make the most of it and make sure you weave the tapestry you most desire because unweaving it and starting over is a fuckofalotofwork. I'm trying to get it right this time. The key, I think, is being honest enough with ourselves about who we are and what we need so that we can be honest with our loved ones as well. There is no shame in living your creative dreams and it isn't an either/or proposition. I have found that people rush to support me when I speak with "Spirit Tongue" or Truth about who I am and what I need. As I mentioned in my previous post, sometimes people pout and act out but that's because they aren't taking responsibility for their own happiness. I know that the more I carve the life of my dreams, the more others will feel inspired to do the same (including the pouters and tantrum throwers).

Finally, I want to put down in words what my 10 year-old daughter said to me last night. When I was telling her about my day, she said, "You are so good with kids, Mom. We are so lucky to have a woman in our lives who is so spiritual and musical." It touched my heart so deeply to be seen by her that way. I shouldn't be surprised. She did write this.

Yes, I do "encourage childlike self-expression", both in myself and in others. I live for inspiration and love! Ironically, the way I have allowed myself to grow up into the "responsible, aware adult" that I am is by letting my inner child out to play. She feels safe with such a benevolent parent taking care of her and guess what? My daughters do as well and we are all weaving this beautiful tapestry together, one blood-red thread at a time. We are (wild) women, after all.

May we all find the balance that is right for us. Many blessings to all who read this.

Surrender

2006-12-01T16:07:00.000-08:00

Click here to see this amazing video from the song Glósóli by the band Sigur Rós. A blogger friend named Kevin White sent it me last year because the photography in it reminded him of mine. He thought I would dig it and I do.

In fact, it is my story.

A story of leadership, being an individual, finding my own rhythm and the exquisite surrender to Divine Will.

It just might make you cry.

Peace and love to your beautiful heart.

the true self is a disturbing character

2006-12-01T07:36:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I want to just be alone like this bird gliding off to new adventures. Just me and the vast expanse of the world before me.

I am tired of measuring my words, of factoring other people into my decisions and my life.

I am weary of the people in my life crumbling when I stake a claim for my own independence or for my needs getting met. This is what shaped me into a person who strategized in relationships. I've spent so many years working to shuck off the part of me that is afraid to be truthful because someone's feelings will get hurt and I will be rejected, yelled at, treated abusively, etc.

If I don't let everyone suckle at my breast and assure them that "mama" still loves them and tell them what they want to hear, I am met with defensiveness, statements about them not being "enough" and a host of other things that feel like an attempt to get me back to being who THEY want me to be. Few things annoy me more than those little "hooking" statements that people make. I know I make them too. It's a pretty common coping mechanism.

I know this is my work. I know I'm not responsible for the their feelings but today, I just want to be completely alone and away from all the tender little egos around me.

Today I want to glide away.

In Julia Cameron's book, "Inspirations", I found this juicy nugget yesterday:

Afraid to appear selfish, we lose our self. We become self-destructive. Because this self-murder is something we seek passively rather than consciously act out, we are often blind to it's poisonous grip on us. Virtuous to a fault, trapped creatives have destroyed the true self, the self that didn't meet with much approval as a child, the self who heard repeatedly, "Don't be selfish!" The true self is a disturbing character, healthy and occasionally anarchistic, who knows how to play, how to say "no" to others and "yes" to itself.

SO. I will not go away from others completely but I will be saying yes to myself more and more and let those tender egos out there take care of themselves.

And so it is.

The Folly of Protection

2006-11-13T14:40:00.000-08:00

Something I discovered in therapy is that whenever I was trying to "protect" someone's feelings, I was ultimately trying to protect myself, my OWN tender, little girl who felt scared of the reactions of others.

It's a bit like finding a little robin's nest with eggs in tact. We want to save it and make sure the eggs don't crack. Why? Not because the eggs will hatch and we will care for the little birds. We can't "save them". We want to preserve it to keep it as it is because it's beautiful and delicate and we like it that way. It's self-serving.

Eventually the eggs will rot.
Eventually the nest will decay.
That is the way of Life.
It is paradoxically ephemeral and infinite.

Feeding a desire to maintain the status quo so we aren't hurt or disappointed is folly.

Having the courage to speak our truth, live our truth and live with the blood and chaos and mess of it all, that is the path of the warrior.

That is that path I choose.

Baby Blue

2006-11-01T09:32:00.000-08:00

It's All Over Now, Baby Blue
by Bob Dylan

You must leave now, take what you need, you think will last.
But whatever you wish to keep, you better grab it fast.
Yonder stands your orphan with his gun,
Crying like a fire in the sun.
Look out the saints are comin' through
And it's all over now, Baby Blue.

The highway is for gamblers, better use your sense.
Take what you have gathered from coincidence.
The empty-handed painter from your streets
Is drawing crazy patterns on your sheets.
This sky, too, is folding under you
And it's all over now, Baby Blue.

All your seasick sailors, they are rowing home.
All your reindeer armies, are all going home.
The lover who just walked out your door
Has taken all his blankets from the floor.
The carpet, too, is moving under you
And it's all over now, Baby Blue.

Leave your stepping stones behind, something calls for you.
Forget the dead you've left, they will not follow you.
The vagabond who's rapping at your door
Is standing in the clothes that you once wore.
Strike another match, go start anew
And it's all over now, Baby Blue.

Thirsty Lips

2006-10-21T00:01:00.000-07:00

the nature of reality

2006-10-18T21:54:00.000-07:00

Our revels are now ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits and
Are melted into air, into thin air,
And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp'd towers, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made of, and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.

~William Shakespeare in "The Tempest"

I am reading Your Immortal Reality by Gary Renard right now which is leading me deeper into my quest for truth and especially the concept of real forgiveness and what it means. The idea is that this life, this physical reality is just a dream (which echoes other belief systems I've studied like Toltec teachings) and that everything we see and encounter is something we made up and which separates us from God/Spirit/All-That-Is (choose your term of endearment).

The greater message is that we GO HOME meaning back to the awareness of NO separation by, of course, realizing that this is true. Naurally, this is easier said than done since it all seems so real. The path to this realization is to see the spirit in everything and to forgive completely. A quote from the book which is partially from A Course in Miracles is:

"The miracle does nothing.
All is does is to undo."
And when the ego is undone,
the truth will be all that's left.

So, I'm off to do the work of killing off my ego by loving and forgiving myself and others. I think I'm doing pretty well but the argument I had with my oldest daughter today shows me I have a ways to go.

Blessed be this beautiful illusion, the many actors and the essence of Life that We (I?) Am!!!

Making Love

2006-10-16T13:23:00.000-07:00

Making Love
Originally uploaded by chi liu.

I saw this on flickr and decided it must be seen! How amazing is this image of two dragonflies making love???!!???

I cannot contain my exuberance.

Life is so exquisitely beautiful, isn't it?

Peace Is...

2006-10-15T15:21:00.000-07:00

Photo by John McCormick

I wrote this when I was in Expressive Arts Training and pregnant with my second child.

Peace is...

Laying in my lover's warm, strong arms after an explosive orgasm

The soft, sweet breath of my daughter rising and falling on my cheek

The feeling of rightness when I touch fertile, organic, untainted soil with bare hands

Honoring all living beings everywhere for who and what they are and recognizing the gifts they bear

My dog slumbering in the sun

The recognition of my smile by the clerk at the corner store

Finding joy in sorrow

The resonance of Love

Hearing the harmony in the symphony of life and knowing that we each have our own unique song

The synergistic dance of the Universe

My Artist's Prayer

2006-10-15T09:41:00.000-07:00

I wrote this Artist's Prayer back in 2001, long before I had conceptualized "Live Your Truth, Love Your Life". It's interesting to me how often that theme comes up here. Life works in mysterious ways...

Dearest Spirit
help me find truth and love
in all of my work and my life.

Bolster me with strength and purpose
and let me see my Divinity and
feel the flow of the River of Life
always.

I surrender past hurts, ideas and
fears which no longer serve me.
I surrender ego.
I seek inspiration everywhere and
look for ways to create in every moment.

I embrace abundance in my life and know
that the tools, time, experiences and money
that I need are coming to me and
I am grateful.

I carry the wands of Peace, Love, Joy and Truth
with me. Let them be my instruments of
transformation for myself and the greater good.
I know that my healing, recovery and
self-knowledge are happening now
and I am grateful.

I know that through my healing,
I will find ways to heal the world,
and I am grateful.

I know I am a leaf on the Tree of Life
unfurling and bringing hope to the world.
I am absorbing the Light of Love and Truth
and bringing a breath of fresh air to the world
and I am grateful.

Blessed Be!

Times three
Times three
Times three

laughing at the word two

2006-10-11T11:21:00.000-07:00

Laughing at the Word Two

Only

That Illumined
One

Who keeps
Seducing the formless into form

Had the charm to win my
Heart.

Only a Perfect One

Who is always
Laughing at the word
Two

Can make you know

Of

Love.

This poem is by Hafiz as translated by Daniel Ladinksy in The Gift